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Title: Iím a superior being!
Author: Mike Soutar
Source: Smash Hits

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Indeed you are. For you sport a woollen swank crown, and glide through the highways in a swish ďlimousineĒ. Holly Johnson reveals some inside tips on the ins and outs of modern pop stardom! ďLond live the king!Ē bellows Mike Soutar.

ĒOooh, I like that!!Ē Holly Johnson, 28, is presently wearing a rather fetching woollen bonnet in the shape of a crown, and is parading it around the photographerís studio for all to see. Suddenly his gaze alights upon a rather ornate gilt throne lurking in the corner of the room. ďOh I do like that!Ē he exclaims again. ďItís lovely, isnít it? Can I have my picture taken on it?Ē and he plumps his behind on the plush red velveteen upholstery.

In actual fact, itís more than merely ďlovelyĒ because this chair is the legendary pew upon which the winner of Miss World perched, tears a-brimming, many decades ago to receive her commemorative sash Ďní tiara. Holly is terribly impressed with this. ďI think I shall weep,Ē he says in the style of beauty queens of yore. ďThen I shall kiss some babies and go off to alleviate suffering in the Third WorldÖĒ

Alas, Holly is to be denied the pleasure of having his picture taken for the cover of Britainís Brightest Pop Publication reposed upon this outstanding piece of furniture, for he is here today to wear an assortment of colourful outfits and answer the eternal question: ďhat makes Holly Johnson Holly Johnson then, and can I be one too, please?Ē (or something!!)

ĒUltimately Iíd say the thing that makes me me is that Iím hard to ignore. The other thing is that Iím never satisfied with the way things are, which is a bit unfortunate on my behalf hihihiii!!! I always want things to be better too. I feel like Iím wasting my life if Iím not doing something creative or constructive. And Iím not always nice and friendly. Sometimes I can be a bit strange to people if Iím not in a particularly good mood. Also, Iím not a great socialite and, um, I buy my own groceries.Ē (??)

Sounds thoroughly intriguing, does it not? But purchasing groceries is only the tip of the iceberg when youíre ďbeingĒ Holly Johnson. For you must also desport yourself in lots of posh designer clothing, wax your flyaway curls into a super quaff, yodel loudly in the required alpine manner, and dance oddly. And not only that, bit in order to cut the mustard as todayís modern pop personality you are also required to fulfil the following requirements. For instanceÖ

You have to shop in snoot clothing emporiums!

ĒI shop in a variety of places really, not one in particular. Wherever I an I like to go shopping ó itís one of my favourite occupations. Although I only really do it a lot when I have things to do like television promotion and photo sessions with people like Smash Hits. Thatís when I can really go to town! I spend quite a lot of time in the Kingís Road (trendy street in London where socks cost approximately £100 a pair, etc.). I also buy stuff from Vivienne Westwood whoís my favourite designer at the moment. I occasionally get the odd thing made, like the crown Iím wearing today.

ĒIíve bought tons of really horrendous items! Absolutely!! A number of times, especially when I was in Frankie Goes To Hollywood and we were doing TV all the time and shopping was a habit and a way of life. I would buy ridiculous things like a see-through yellow jacket and things that Iíve never been able to wear since. I give some things away, but a lot of things I have stored in a room and I go through the rooms occasionally with friends and we laugh at the things I have worn.Ē

You have to avoid shopping trolleys!

ĒI like food shopping. I like to buy organic vegetables (i.e. vegetables grown without the use of nasty pesticides) whenever I can, although itís not always practical, and anyway you have to got to the normal greengrocers to get these things. Iím very big on sandwiches. I live off them quite a lot. If Iím not eating sandwiches Iím eating pizzas or pasta hahahaa!! (?) I very rarely go to supermarkets and push a trolley about. Iím a bit suspicious of supermarket vegetables anyway, because to me they look too pleasant and too pretty to be wholesome, i.e. very very orange carrots which are all very clean. (??)

ĒIím not a culinary whiz particularly. Sometimes I have dinner parties, yes, but I usually try to persuade a friend to cook hahahhahha!! Have I ever had a dinner party company in to do it for me? Oooh no! Haha!! I couldnít do that, it just seems so bourgeois to me. It sounds like the kind of thing that ladies in Laura Ashley dresses do, completely not my style!

You have to know pathetically little about fine wines!

ĒOh. Well I donít drink very much but Iíll occasionally have a glass of wine and dilute it with mineral water. Iím not a great drinker of alcohol. I can sit a whole night with only one glass of wine and only have drunk half of it by the end of the night. I just hate how I feeling in the morning. I donít really like the wines anyway, they all taste like vinegar to me!Ē

You are required to swan off on holiday to posh islands in the sun!

ĒI donít go on holiday very often but twice Iíve been to Barbados and I loved that a lot. Itís hard to describe the atmosphere, itís very laid back, itís really quite idyllic. I sit around painting pictures or listen to the music and things. And I love the hot weather! Mmmm, itís not really a holiday if itís not sunny, is it? I do try not to overdo sunbathing because I donít take to the sun really well. Iím not one of these people who go instantly brown and I do peel if Iím not very very careful. I couldnít go in the sun at all until I was about 23 ó it used to give me headaches and make me feel sick, but I got used to it now I can handle it. I have to use Sun Factor Eight, thatís like the most powerful sun tan lotion, oh absolutely, yes.Ē

You have to snootle through the highways in a swish ďlimoĒ!

ĒMy most common mode of transport is by taxi. I can drive, Iíve passed my test and everything, but I choose not to. I donít have a car. I used to have a 1962 Sunbeam Rapier and it was really beautiful but not really safe with me on the road ó I had a car crash years ago outside The Dorchester Hotel, two months after I passed my test.Ē

You have to read lots of hefty tomes!

ĒI have periods in which I read intensely for six months and then for the next six months I canít concentrate at all on a book. Iíve just started to read The Chronicles Of Narnia which is lovely ó The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe and all that stuff. Itís amazing. Itís pure escapism, isnít it? Like when youíre a kid. Did I ever have an invisible friend? No, I didnít have any invisible friends Iím afraid. I didnít have many friends ever! Hahahahahahaaa!!Ē

You must staunchly avoid doing press-ups in the bathroom every morning!

ĒI donít go in for physical exercise at all. Oooh no. I like to walkÖ for shop to shop hihihihii!! Or you know, to the art gallery. I donít take any effort to keep in shape. I never was a particularly athletic person. I like watching gymnastic and things like that on TV, but Iím purely voyeuristic as far as sport is concerned.Ē

You have to rant on about the systematic destruction of the tropical rain forests and so on!

ĒI hate the fact that London water is really dirty, and I hate the fact that people dump toxic waste near where other people live, and I hate the fact that thereís a train full of nuclear waste that passes near my house at the dead of night. I hate things like that, it gets right up my nose!! Record companies annoy me sometimes, like when I ask them to have the record sleeve printed on re-cycled paper and they said ĎOh yes, weíll look into that,í and they never get back to me. But they also send me flowers which can be quite nice.Ē

You have to shun confectionery in case you become overly portly!

ĒOccasionally people give me chocolates as a gift, and Iíll have a couple but Iíll usually just pass then round soís I donít have to eat them all. I do like food, and I have periods where I get a bit strict about what I eat, but that generally lapses after a while. My weight does fluctuate but it doesnít really bother me that much. Iím not that vain about it. You know, Iím not a member of Bros and I donít see me as being a pin-up person. I like dressing up an awful lot, but Iím not vain enough to just eat a lettuce leaf all day, or go on six mile jogs or have a personal trainer or things like thatÖĒ

You have to have your hair ďdressedĒ in the comfort of your own abode!

ĒA lad called Ben, who works in a hairdressers in Islington called Diverse, I think, comes to my house and cuts my hair. I have been known to go to Vidal Sassoon as well, but, you know, I prefer to have my hair cut at home. The longer your hair is the more difficult it is to do in the mornings to make it look presentable, which I find is a total drag! Having had short hair for such a long time I find it easier to handle like this. Hair-care routine? Shampoo! I occasionally use conditioner but not very often. I do wash it every day and I know I shouldnít but itís just a habit really.Ē

You have to listen to Radio 1 quite a lot soís you can hear your super pop smashes!

ĒI had a period of listening to Capital Radio (i.e. local London radio station) because it was the only one I knew where to find on the dial, but now Iíve switched over to Radio 1. Neither of them are much good though, are they?Ē

You have to take great pains to read your horoscopes every day!

ĒI read my horoscopes religiously in newspapers. I feel thereís more chance of them being true than anything else in the paper usually. Patric Walker always has very accurate predictions. I just read them partly out of fun and partly out of habit I suppose. Iím Aquarius. Aquarians are superior being basically, and each oneís different and itís a bit of an exclusive club. Thatís how we see ourselves. Am I a superior being? (PauseÖ) Oh yes, hahahahahaaaaa!!Ē

You have to own a crap tree!

ĒFor three years Iíve lived in a partially decorated three bedroom house with a very small garden. Iím not a great gardener, no, although there are some flowers there and a Japanese cherry tree. Which is quite nice for two weeks in April and looks very boring otherwise hnnnhnnnÖĒ

You have to disregard your daily beauty ďregimeĒ!

ĒI donít really have a beauty routine. I try to get eight hours sleep. I donít drink very much and I donít spend lots of time in nightclubs. I have been known to have a mudpack after doing, like, telly shows where they bung lads of make-up on you, but itís not a habitual thing. I enjoy good health, yeah, and Iím keeping my fingers crossed when I say that. Iíve only been into hospital once and that was to have four impacted wisdom teeth removed, and that was extremely unpleasant but I was only in for a day, thank heavens.Ē

And finally, you have to be a super pop star 24-hours a day!

MmmmmÖ when people ask me for my autograph on the street for example, I donít know what they expect of me and I donít know how to behave particularly. I try to just smile and say, ĎOf courseí and ĎCan we do it quickly?í and then I go about my business. It doesnít make me feel comfortable signing autographs, but I always do it if someone requests it. I never know what people expect of me. It really is quite bewildering.Ē

The end