ZANG TUMMM TUMB ARTICLES “the first draft of history”

The world according to Max

Hes suave! Hes elusive! Hes TVs most closely-guarded secret! Hes Max Headroom and he reveals his life philosophy (and his legs) over lunch with Maureen Rice…

MONEY

What are your feelings about money?

Money is irrelevant. You see, money is about style. In other words, its not how much you have, but what you carry it around in thats important. For example, lets take a mans leather wrist-bag. Now, that says a lot about a man. It says hes successful he has enough money to afford leather. It says he cares about his appearance, and of course, above everything else, it says that hes a complete nerd.

Are you rich?

Well, my producer says that some of the things I come up with on my show are pretty rich, but thats as far as it goes…

LOVE AND ROMANCE

Everyones curious about your love life. Are you going out with anyone at the moment?

This is a very sensitive subject for me because Ive recently come to the end of a close personal relationship with a lovely girl called Anita. We never thought that being physical was an important part of our relationship—in fact, we never even met. But I loved her voice—she had a job as a speaking clock and I knew she was always there when I needed her. Godits painful for me remembering like this… I know now that its really over, because whenever I call her number I get some guy answering the phone, so thats that…

MUSIC

You play a wide selection of videos on your show, but what kind of music do you like yourself?

Well, as you probably know Im a great classical music fan. When I watch television, which I do from time to time, Im always most taken with those commercials that play a better class of music. Like the deodorant tune, for instance, or the advert for pure new wool. Im very fond of pure new wool. I always buy the products which have the best music in their commercials my cupboards are full of aftershave and Hovis bread.

Isnt it a bit difficult for a classical music buff like yourself hosting a pop video show?

It is a problem, it really is. But as you go through life, youll find that we all have to do things sometimes that we dont really want to do. Some you look back on and regret, others can be valuable experiences, believe me. But yet, give me classical music every time. Id rather listen to Mozart than any pop record. Have you seen his new video, Amadeus? Its gutsy, Maureen, really stunning.

(cont.)
Of course, its very long, so it wont get much TV airplay, but hes enough of an artist not to mind. And I admire that in a man, I really do. And I wont be hosting this show for the rest of my life, you can be damn sure of that.

Have you ever felt any desire to make a record yourself?

Well, I think I can say in all honesty that I am a bit of a record already. In the very short time Ive been in the business as your readers will be aware—I have become so popular that Im actually a record in my own right. I dont need to chase things: theres too much chasing in this crazy business of ours. Too many people running around trying to do things that they arent really capable of. They have no humility, these people.

HEALTH AND BEAUTY

Do you think the world has become too obsessed with health and beauty?

Well, I always say that if youre healthy, you usually feel beautiful. But if youre not beautiful, it doesnt mean you feel unhealthy. Even if you do look healthy you still might not feel beautiful. And you can be unhealthy and still look beautiful, of course. I explained all this to my producer the other day, but I dont think it will affect him much.

Why not?

He didnt understand what I was talking about.

What about your own health and beauty regime?

People are always saying to me, Max—how do you do it, how do you stay in such good shape? Well, its simple. Im like Jane Fonda in that I stick to one basic principle: you are what you read. For instance, anyone who reads Smash Hits is unlikely to ever be overweight. Need I say more?

Do you work out?

Certainly. First thing every morning I work out exactly what Ive got to do for the rest of the day.

Could you let us in on the secret of your flawless complexion?

Yoghurt, Maureen, yoghurt. A yoghurt face pack last thing at night works wonders. And watch what type of hamburgers you eat. A little added yoghurt with that cheeseburger could make all the difference…

POLITICS

Are you a person with strong political views?

Yes I am, unlike most politicians. And as far as my vote goes I think that Wham! should be running this fine country of ours. They clearly have a terrific sense of foreign policy and diplomacy—theyve travelled widely, theyre nice boys, and they already have more money than the Treasury, so wed all be better off.

SHOPPING

Do you enjoy shopping?

What sort of things do you buy? To be perfectly honest, Im not the kind of man who likes to shop. I get asked to open so many shops—you know how it is, my times just not my own any more—that when I do get a few moments to relax I like to keep away from them. And Ill let you in on a little secret, Maureen, because I know it wont go any further. Im terrified of pickpockets. The streets arent safe for decent people to walk, God knows. For that reason I carry all my money in a special pouch—I love pouches—on a cord hanging round my neck and down my back. That way, I foil the damn pickpockets, and even if I feel like spending some money, I cant! However, I do happen to need a hat at the moment. A friend suggested I go to Dunns, but I dont think I need to tell you that thats really not my style. No, I think Ill go to British Home Stores or the Army And Navy. I like the sttles there

TV PRESENTERS

What do you think of your rivals on television?

Well, we both know that theres a lot of jealousy in this business. You see, in a short time—and I say this with the greatest humility—but in a short time I have become mega-popular, and there are some people who dont like that one bit. But Im good at what I do, and I think people are attracted by my modesty—lets face it, its refreshing to find a modest genius these days.

(cont.)
But of course, the other presenters resent all the offers I get. Only the other day someone called me up to invite me to lunch at Number 10. Id have gone too, but the fool put the phone down without telling me what road it was in! I dont want to be unkind—its not in my nature—but frankly, most other presenters are pretty awful, arent they?

Do you think TV presenters are too kind to their guests?

Oh, I can see youve been watching my interview with Sting! Yes, I showed him who was boss, didnt I? You see, TV presenters are future world leaders, and so have enormous power and responsibility. They mustnt creep and crawl just to get them back on their shows one more time! Oh no. Now, old Sting and me go back a long way, but I saw that as no reason to give him an easy time. Im sorry to say that most TV presenters are pretty creepy in that respect.

HOLIDAY HINTS

Its that time of year again when most peoples thoughts are turning beachward. What advice would you give for a stylish, carefree summer holiday?

If youre male, you must wear baggy shorts and flip-flops. There is nothing else you can wear on the beach and still look stylish. For girls, the rules are a little looser, but you must never use coconut suntan oil. Its a real turn-off for the guys, girls.

What do you think of topless sunbathing?

Well, Ive done it for years…

FASHION

Are you interested in fashion? Where do you buy your own clothes from?

Fashion is not a question of what you buy, but where you shop. Do you understand me? Now, those mail order catalogues are the best place for keeping one step ahead. Unfortunately, I do tend to get side-tracked by the wonderful gardening sections…

Are you a keen gardener then?

Oh, certainly. Id be even keener if I had a garden, but Ive got my shed, and thats just chock full of barbeque sets, sun shades and deck-chairs. And Ive got my favourite pot plants. Of course, for style that transcends mere fashion, you have only to look to golf. I love the colours, I love the v-necks and the flared trousers. Golf is fashion to me…

5 MOST WONDERFUL PEOPLE I KNOW…

I wish I could say that I knew five people.


5 PEOPLE ID MOST LIKE TO NAVE MY PICTURE TAKEN WITH:

  • Paul Young because hes tall and manly, and thats so rare these days. I hope he has lots of heirs the pop world needs them.
  • Nik Kershaw and Jon Moss because its so stylish not to spell your name properly.
  • All of Duran Duran because theyre quite unique in that their eyes dont go red when they have their picture taken with a flash.
  • Madonna because the reputation that girls given herself is a crying shame. She comes from a good, decent family and shes just got in with a bad crowd. I think having her picture taken with me would help get her reputation back. Id like to do that for the familys sake.

5 FAVOURITE HAIRCUTS:

  • Nick Faldo
  • Sevvy Balesteros
  • Billy Graham (he styled himself on me, actually)
  • Jimmy Somerville
  • Howard Jones

5 PEOPLE ID MOST LIKE TO PLAY GOLF WITH:

  • Boy George because I know hed have the time.
  • Michael Heseltine because hes got the same initials as me. Though he would have to get rid of that flak jacket or I might tee-off from his shoulders.
  • Margaret Thatcher because shes almost got the same initials as me.
  • All of ultravox because theyre such brilliant golfers.
  • Anna Raeburn a quiet round with me would sort out all that poor womans problems.