ZANG TUMMM TUMB ARTICLES “the first draft of history”

Holly Johnson

Nervous? Mmmmm, well, um, sometimes I’m racked with nerves! Hirmhihim!!… but also I’m quite excited as well because, you know, it’s like my baby! Hihirmhimm!!”

Holly Johnson, campers, is murmuring softly down his end of the Smash Hits ear trumpet, rattling on about his imminent return into the swirling tumble-dryer that is the pop “parade”!!

Holly, you’ll recall, used to be very famous indeed a mere two or three years ago when he was the singer with Liver”pudlian” pop sensations Frankie Goes To Hollywood, that ‘mazin’ pop outfit who were the most outrageously successful phenomenon since the last one and who made the particles of the entire universe implode with their blustering floor-fillers such as “Relax” and “Two Tribes” and “The Power Of Love” and caused a fashion sensation with their smashing T-shirts with lots of words on them.

Back then Holly was noted for his loudly patterned suits, his unique dancing style (rather like the so-called “robotic” persons one often comes across down Carnaby Street of a lunchtime) and the way he sang “Ow Ow Ow” approximately every three seconds.

But then — blub! — it all ended rather tragically when Holly told Smash Hits that he didn’t really like the rest of the group that much any more, particularly the so-called “lads” i.e. Mark O’Toole, “Nasher” and, of course, “Ped”. Then, the Frankies had a gigantic tiff with their record company ZTT and decided to call it a day and it was all terribly sad…

“The last thing we did together was a tour and a single, ‘Watching The Wildlife’, in March ‘87,” whisples Holly. “Then I had um, an injunction placed on me by ZTT who took me to court over the contract Frankie signed years ago which was very very unfair. Basically they wanted to stop me recording anything for my solo career. It was quite unpleasant at times but I won.”

But now — hurrah! — Holly’s back — etc! — with a nice hat and a jacket with lots of question marks on it (as you can clearly see).

“It is nice, isn’t it?” he beams. “I haven’t really worn suits for quite a while now. I stopped wearing them after I saw Jonathan Ross… Hnnf! I mean to say!!”

And he’s also just released a thumpaway new funky sort of single called “Love Train” which will doubtless storm to the very summit of the charts and stay there for the whole year (i.e. it’s quite good).

Holly, however, is not quite so sure.

(cont.)
“I don’t know how people will take to me again,” he mithers. “Part of me hopes they’ll like it and part of me doesn’t care hihiim!!”

But if it’s not a hit after all, Holly will most likely don his trusty smock and start painting again.

“I’ve always painted in my spare time, little drawings and things like that,” he says in his usual bewildered fashion. “I mean I wanted to go to art college in 1983, but then we released ‘Relax’ and I couldn’t go. I’ve started oil painting and I really enjoy it but I don’t get enough time to do it; it’s just a hobby really… What sort of things do I paint? Oh, urm… (Gets excruciatingly bashful at this point in the “proceedings”)… I tend to paint fat ladies with large breasts quite a lot hihuhu… and I’ve just done a nice mermaid underwater which is, uhm, quite nice…” Holly Johnson, you’re some bloke and no mistake. More power to your brushes, pal!