ZANG TUMMM TUMB ARTICLES “the first draft of history”

FRANKIE SAY COME AGAIN

The T-shirts. The gay sex imagery. That BBC ban for “Relax”. Nine weeks at No 1 with “Two Tribes”. For one amazing year—1984—Frankie Goes To Hollywood were it. Journalist Max Bell (left), part of Frankies inner circle, recounts life on the road with the five boys who, for one brief period, comprised the most notorious band on Earth.


And suddenly there came a bang! It is early one November morning in 1984, at the Gramercy Park Hotel in New York City. There is a loud knock on my door and the sound of three lads raucous laughter. Its 3am, and the heterosexual wing of Frankie Goes To Hollywood wants to play.

“Room service, go ed!” demands guitarist Brian “Nasher” Nash.

“Are youse avin a wank or wha?” enquires drummer Peter “Ped” Gill.

“Getcha scuzzies on an come down to ours. We gorra lil surprise,” teases bassist Mark OToole.

Dancing down the corridors, the Lads fill me in. Theyve decided to celebrate the opening night at the Ritz club as only the Lads know how.

Frankie singer Holly Johnson and his art dealer boyfriend Wolfgang Kuhle (euphemistically his manager-cum-bodyguard), who are staying at the swankier Berkshire Place uptown, have spent the evening at Andy Warhols townhouse, admiring the Jean-Michel Basquiats and Keith Harings. Fun lovin Paul Rutherford has opted for the black-light warehouse rough and tumble of the Meat Packing District.

Ped, Bri and Mark, meanwhile, have dialled up some escort entertainment.

“And what is fookin top is theyre a Brazilian mother and daughter,” they babble excitedly. “Get a load of that, la! Five hundred dollars the pair, sunshine. Get yer expenses out yer Calvins, yer tight c***. Youse up for it? Or are you, as we suspect, a FUCKIN COCKNEY OMME!”

Oh dear.

In the boys room a welcoming party is arranged. Two Lads plus yours truly must sit stock still in the closet while the third Lad does the dirty deed with some bird who probably isnt from Ipanema, and her mum. Or vice versa.

Within seconds of the rat-a-tat-tat, the Lads are in hysterics. I make my excuses and stay.


Its always too much fun when youre out and about with Frankie in 1984. Since the previous summer Ive been bumping around their mad world and havent stopped laughing once. The story will end in tears and bitter recriminations on stage in Rotterdam and in the High Court, but at least no rock stars will die in the making of this production.

You have to pinch yourself.

(cont.)
Inside a year Frankie have gone from being Two Ferocious Homosexuals and Three Scallies to The Only Noise In Town. Two Tribes, the gay and the straight, West and East, Reagan and Chernenko, are all messed up in their colossal second single. One of the most emphatically addictive records ever made, “Two Tribes” is a bass-tripped, Omni-effected, Arion Hot Watted nuclear explosion, ejaculated on seven and sundry 12 inches of pleasure. Take cover!

“Two Tribes” is the bomb, before that phrase is invented. By summer 84 those Frankie Say T-shirt slogans Max Bell—an idea nicked from Katherine Hamnetts “Choose Life” shirt Max Bell—are everywhere. Frankie Say Relax Dont Do It. Frankie Say War! Hide Yourself. Frankie Say Bomb Is A Four Letter Word. Not forgetting the market traders favourite: Who Gives A Fuck What Frankie Say?

Frankie does. Hes measuring his sales in megatons. He doesnt read his press—he weighs it. Frankie is The Velvet Undergrounds Exploding Plastic Inevitable times Funkadelics Electric Spanking Of War Babies, mutated with The Sweet over Queen, sliced through a phat Boys Town groove. Frankies remix revolution, the work of one Trevor Horn, was actually started by New York turntable genius Larry Levan—original king of the 12-inch—but mainstream Britain doesnt care.

If The Beatles were the sound of 80,000 crumbling houses and 30,000 people on the dole, Frankie are the sound of the North rising, and fuck the recession. Political pop? Imagine a studio full of teenagers wrapped in Frankie Say Arm The Unemployed T-shirts in front of 10 million Top Of The Pops viewers. This actually happens. Theyre Oasis fronted by two S&M clones. Theyre the original Spice Boys. No, theyre the disco Beatles. Scratch that, theyre the Hi-NRG Sex Pistols.


Frankies story begins in all the no-mark wannabe Liverpool bands that span 1977 to 1981: Dancing Girls, Spitfire Boys, Sons Of Egypt, The Opium Eaters, Reynard, Hollycaust, as well as one of the most influential: Big In Japan, the archetypal legend in their own lunchtime, a veritable Liverpudlian supergroup featuring William “Holly” Johnson on bass and flat-top, future KLF subversive Bill Drummond, Jayne Casey of Pink Military/Pink Industry, Ian “Lightning Seeds” Broudie and Budgie, later of the Banshees.

The Ziggy-crazed Johnson also makes two solo singles, “Yankee Rose” and “Hobo Joe”, which end up in the bargain bin—no place for a 20-year-old who took his moniker from sex-change Warhol starlet Holly Woodlawn, as namechecked in Lou Reeds “Walk On The Wild Side”. He was a she, came from Miami, Fla. Johnson hails from Wavertree.

Frankie Goes To Hollywood, their name plucked from a headline about Frank Sinatra spotted by Johnsons mate Ambrose in a vintage issue of Variety, are only going to the dole queue until Johnson recruits OToole, his cousin Ged and Peter Gill, a self-styled “animal who bashes drums”. Occasional singer Sonya Mazunda doesnt hang around long. Rutherford forces his way in when that version of Frankie support Hambi And The Dance at Mr. Pickwicks. He leaps on stage during “Relax” (like “Two Tribes” already a rehearsal room staple), saying, “Youse lot are fuckin great!” Get in, my son.

Liverpool-born photographer John Stoddart chronicled such ramshackle beginnings from 1982. “That was when they were just a pathetic band on the pseudo-Bowie/Roxy gay scene,” he recalls today. “But they developed fast once Paul joined, and they looked terrific. Im a witness to the fact they were better and had more raw energy before Trevor Horn got his hands on them. I saw them at Larks In The Park, in Sefton Park, when they had these secretary sisters called the Leatherpettes [Julie and Marie Muscatelli] who dressed in stockings. Paul and Holly whipped them with their arses hanging out. It sounds naff now but in 1982 it was like, Hang on a minute!

Having been shown the door by every record company in London, including Phonogram, Arista and Island (whose boss Chris Blackwell heard their tape and didnt get it—though he will later repent), the Frankie demos and videos are remade in a disused prison/police station, the Bridewell Cells, and the State Ballroom. The latter session will be customised by Channel4s The Tube and provide the band with their first mainstream TV exposure.

Fate intervenes in the lanky post-punk shape of notorious ex-NME journalist Paul Morley, a Manchester City fan, much to the chagrin of the Lads, died in the wool “Red Musos”, apart from Toffee Man Ped. Morley decides this lot will be the Second Coming after The Art Of Noise and before Propaganda for the newly formed Zang Tuum Tumb label (ZTT), where hes employed to A&R by Trevor Horn of Buggles/Yes fame, and his wife, Sarm West studio manager Jill Sinclair.

Motor of mouth, arch strategist Morley is a storm trooper compared to the Gauleiters who infest the music industry. He makes the right impression with Zang Tuum Tumb, an onomatopoeic description of the noise made by Russian cannon in the Crimean War. Utilising Morleys futurist/situationist schtick, ZTT market Frankie like no band has ever been marketed before. Ironically, early press releases are quaintly Carry On. Tastefully cropping a deviant arse-and-chains image of a musclebound fag and a rubberised dyke (another idea purloined, this time from Vivienne Westwoods infamous Pistols T-shirt of two cowboys with their dicks out), ZTT wet the whistle.

“The amazingly different Frankie Goes To Hollywood make their debut vinyl appearance with 12 and 7 inches of aural pleasure—theres no beating about the bush with these chaps.” The press release promises “something that might be a little too much for some people to take.” Warming to the task, Morleys imagination gets the better of the copywriting imp on his shoulder. “Some of you might like to prolong the experience as much as possible and savour every last drop.” No sperm for the printers block yet, but ZTT are rubbing the Man Milk member hard.

Luckily, this Biggles Flies Undone approach is ditched as “Relax” bruises the national psyche in winter 83. Next time we see em, the Frankies have colonised ad pages with slogans like: “All the nice boys love semen. Soap it up… rub it up… making Public Image seem like men of goodwill, making Duran Duran lick the shit off their shoes.”

These inflammatory metaphors are unheard of in polite pop circles, where everyone pretends rock stars arent cocaine-snuffling degenerates. Even Boy George persists with the “we might dress funny but we prefer a cup of tea with the Queen Mother to sex” nonsense when he writes to Record Mirror complaining Frankie are—get this—too upfront.

Rutherford and Johnsons brand of homosex is considered dangerous. ZTT and Frankie exploit the myth as they “make Wham! seem like Pinky & Perky… Big Country look like a back garden in Surrey… Style Council the cover of a Barbara Cartland novel.”

“Relax” disgusts most conservative A&R types tapping a toe to such bland, benign contemporary ditties as “Karma Chameleon” and “Love Of The Common People”. Lines like, “Relax, dont do it, when you want to suck it to it/Relax, dont do it, when you wanna come” are too much information. “Ive got a daughter. I cant let her listen to this,” complains Arista Records Dick Rowe.

Later, Holly Johnson will pretend “Relax” is about “motivation and achieving your potential” when really its a short sharp amyl nitrate fuck up against the wall in a dark alley. This is brutal, exciting rocknroll from a bunch of queers and feral casuals dressed like extras from Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior.


Two weeks into January 1984, sanctimonious DJ Mike Read, a close personal friend of Cliff Richard, decides that “Relax” is obscene.

(cont.)
He flings it across his studio and snaps it in half on air. On January 10, the BBC bans the single. Pandemonium breaks out as tabloids jump on the story. One Sun journalist gets them a shock-horror front page with such earth-shattering revelations as: “They swore at me! They threw popcorn at me! They insulted Gene Kelly!” “Relax” climbs to No 1 without Auntie Beebs blessing, although shes played it 71 times, including repeated sessions with John Peel and Kid Jensen.

Stoddart again: “Once Relax was a hit, ZTT stuck them into an upmarket flophouse apartment block in Maida Vale. I went there once and theyd locked a girl in a wardrobe, which smelt of piss. When they let her out she was just wearing panties, which was unusual because they used to drape the knickers over the chandelier. Theyd get the girls hanging round outside to buy their fags and chuck water over passers-by. They were teenage blokes having a wild time. It was like The Young Ones, only worse. They had nothing in the fridge except Holsten Pils and a Vesta Chicken Curry, which Mark stuck in the microwave. It exploded all over the ceiling.”

Finally let off the leash by ZTT, who fear they cant reproduce their hi-tech sound in the flesh (its rumoured that Ian Durys Blockheads provided the instrumental flash on their singles), Frankie release their debut album, Welcome To The Pleasuredome, in November 84. They have just played three shows at Liverpools Royal Court Theatre and proved their detractors wrong. The stage is invaded by teenage girls and boys, the seats are sticky and the scent of musk is so thick you could suffocate. The Frankies third single, “The Power Of Love”, hits the No 1 slot a week before Christmas, equalling a record set by fellow Scousers Gerry And The Pacemakers.

One December evening Im sitting in a limousine with Mark OToole, Frankies PR girl (“a fookin paddy c*** ,” according to the drummer) and none other than George Michael. Everyones been hard at the ale and the Christmas snow and somewhere near London Michael jumps out the car at the lights and throws up all over his white jeans. Mortifying for the bouffant-haired soul boy, but damn good sport for everyone else.


I first meet Frankie in October 1983, a week before the release of “Relax”. Taking the 9am train into Liverpools Lime Street station, you leave the countryside for industrial sprawl before passing through sandstone tunnels of grime festooned with white painted tags: “Cockneys Die”.

There are the Lads standing on the platform with photographer Stoddart. Liverpool is far from its current regenerated, city-of-culture self. Thatcher and Derek Hattons Militant have ripped the 18th-century city apart. Shops are boarded up in the wake of the 81 Toxteth Riots; shopkeepers cower behind metal grilles. Over pints in the Beehive, an old haunt of John Lennons, Mark, Pedro and Nasher introduce themselves.

OToole is a joiner for Liverpool Corporation, erecting signs in Old Swan fruit market. He lives at home with his parents, five siblings and his nephew. Nasher is an electrician. Ped is a frustrated drummer with no job (“I wanna be a guitarist but me hands are too small to reach round”).

The day continues with a ferry cross the Mersey. Typically, Stoddart brings along a stripper called Sandra, all fur coat and no knickers. “The Lads shagged her the following week. Together,” he later tells me.

Older and more sophisticated than the rest—hes been to Modena, California! Paul Rutherford, from Cantrell Farm, joins us. He tells me he wanted to be a clothes designer. An early commission was a skirt for Johnson. “My parents doted on me and I always liked dressing up,” he says. “I studied design at St Helens Art School but got thrown out for wearing bondage gear.”

(cont.)
Rutherford is an alumnus of the local Erics club, Probe record shop and a salon called Cut Above The Rest, where congregate fellow non-conformists Jayne Casey and Pete Burns.

Afternoon takes in Harveys burger bar. At the Ministry rehearsal rooms, Frankie play me “Two Tribes” (“Are we living in a land where sex and horror are the new gods?”), “The World Is My Oyster”, “Disneyland” and “Welcome To The Pleasuredome”. Ive never heard anything quite like them.

The Lads seem chuffed by my reaction. “Paul and Holly want us to be Boys Town but were a fookin rock band,” decides Ped. “Weve been represented as two faggots with us as backroom boys, but we write the music. Hollys a great lyricist and hes the voice. Pauls the Dance Master, and he always looks a million dollars, like.” Whats the score, lads? Nash sums it up: “Frankie is all about sex and having a good time, at someone elses expense.”

Beers later, Johnson swans in. “Ive got flu,” he sniffs. “And why are we in Kirklands wine bar?” he sneers, clocking Liverpool footballers John Barnes and Craig Johnston as they pull some judies over the way. “Id rather be in the Dorchester. Its the sleaziest place imaginable,” he chirrups in best sing-song camp Scouse. “Its by the Bull Ring flats. Fierce.Sooo over the top.”

While the Lads jump on his head shouting, “You fuckin omme,” Johnson describes his modus operandi: “My job is to manipulate sensationalism.

We want front pages. We want Quincy Jones. We want America. It isnt just two ferocious homosexuals with a back-up band. Know what I mean? Underneath it all were just Scallies. But were hip Scallies.”

Anyone who thinks Frankie are thick can get off the bus now.


Johnsons ambitions will come true in June 84: the moment “Two Tribes” neutron-bombs the charts. Accompanied by Godley & Cremes trailblazing video, it spends nine weeks at pole position. “Is this the next Christmas No 1?” wonders a semi-serious John Peel after Frankies umpteenth performance of the single on Top Of The Pops in August.

Rutherford and Johnson are by now receiving letters from girls in Glasgow begging them to spunk into plastic bags and send the emissions back to Scotland, while the aptly named Mark OToole is wearing “kecks that make me look as though I gorra big pahhket.” Frankie are giving it loads. They rule.

How cheeky, how audacious are they at this point? They all swap instruments on Top Of The Pops. Another time on TOTP, Johnson rips up a copy of the Sun and drags out Spitting Image impressionist Chris Barrie to deliver his Reagan skit to an overture of nuclear warning sirens. They dress as Cossacks, incurring the displeasure of the Russian Embassy, and pull Nazi salutes out of the bag whenever possible.

Months after peaking, “Relax” steadily climbs back up the charts to No 2, behind “Two Tribes”. Its historic stuff. The music press are on strike at the time, so cant take any credit. But are Frankie rich? No. Theyre on a wage and thankful for those merchandise sales.

“Every time I see someone in one of those T-shirts, I think, Whoa, theres another 27p in the coffers,” smirks Johnson.

Meanwhile, the Lads have Yuppified themselves, traded Peds knackered Ford Capri—“the White Flash”—for a souped-up bastard called “The Orange Go Mobile”. By now, teenybopper mania is getting on the drummers wick. “Im thinkin of employing a minder, a bad cush, to knock the birds off, like.”

Johnson has his eye on a bigger bird. An eagle.

“Its funny,” he says, “but this is very Frankie Summer Of 1984'. Weve marked it like tomcats. Like Roxy Music marked 1973. But Relax and Two Tribes are over. Americas the next phase.”


FGTHs debut album, Welcome To The Pleasuredome, its title inspired by Samuel Taylor Coleridges epic opiated poem Kubla Khan, is loved on both sides of the Atlantic on its release. Some punters puzzle over the question, “Who knows the secret of the black piano?” I already know. It refers to a juicy sesh at Sarm West where Mark OToole is said to have serviced a groupie while the other Lads secretly recorded her moans. Turn it up. Youll hear it.

Advance orders for Pleasuredome are 1.25 million in Blighty, making it the biggest shipping order for any album to date. America wants 500,000. Frankies buzz precedes the North American tour, which begins in Canada before hitting the USA at the Washington Ontario Theatre, mimicking The Beatles opening blitz at the Coliseum in DC in 64.

Theres no getting bored in the hotel before showtime. The band arrive for album signings in military jeeps, or, in Los Angeles, in a small Sherman tank. Andy Warhol, Tom Waits and Todd Rundgren come to NYC and the aftershow party.

“That first US tour was a non-stop, get-fucked-up fast fest,” OToole admits to Uncut in April 2004. “We were wild Scousers just out of Liverpool, let loose on an adoring American college circuit. We behaved as youd expect. It was great playing shows and having girls jump on stage and grab yer nuts. Plus there was always someone who would get you drugs—coke, weed, whatever. Drugs were involved in everything we did, from studio to live to TV. There was always someone whod give you drugs for nothing. I never met anyone in the music business who didnt do drugs.”

The Lads draw the line at smack, however. As OToole says: “Most of the people I knew back home were on heroin at the time. Youd get on a bus and see 12-year-olds doing smack in the back seats. It was good to get away from that hometown smack scene. One thing, though. We never played wasted. Only after your job was done. Apart from TV. Who cares what you look like on TV?”

If 1984 sees world domination, 1985 is a year of Tax Exile. But ZTT are still busy with the rhetoric. Press ads for the “Pleasuredome” single scoff: “Only Pleasure Is Worthwhile… We hate all American AOR pensioners. Bleed them!” Not all of the band approve.

In spring 85, Frankie escape the Inland Revenue by decamping to Boris House, Co. Carlow, in the Republic of Ireland. They are soon bored shitless. I remember them rehearsing tracks for the second album, Liverpool, in between racing Peds Orange Go Mobile at terrifying speeds on dirt tracks to the nearest pub, drinking vast quantities of Guinness, and driving back even faster. The house, full of antiques, coats of armour and agreeable furniture, is trashed frequently.

Johnson and Kuhle are not amused; rifts develop. Two tribes. Mark vs Holly; Yohji Yamamoto vs casual wear; tea on the lawn vs white line fever in U2s favourite Dublin club, The Pink Elephant, where the Lads strike up a friendship with fellow exiles Def Leppard. Between them they empty Peru.

But tax exile fucks Frankie. They sneak home whenever possible. On OTooles 22nd birthday, January 6, 1986, he throws a party in his rented London home. The other Lads order him a strip-o-gram, who arrives dressed as a policewoman. As the night grows rowdier, two real coppers arrive. Invited inside, they end up shagging their fake colleague in the garden.

The following day OToole is so homesick he orders a mini cab and gives the driver £200 to take him back to Liverpool.


The two years between Pleasuredome and second album Liverpool do Frankies head in. They are so fed up with playing “Relax” and “Two Tribes” on continental TV shows, I even stand in for OToole on one in Copenhagen. A mimed appearance at the snotty Montreux Rock Festival in May 86 crystallises the bands growing dissatisfaction. “I was sick of being a performing monkey,” reflects OToole.

(cont.)
“We went on drunk as fuck… I cant speak for Holly cos we didnt hang out much by that time. Before we went on some guy begged me to use a bass guitar hed just had built. Wed already decided it would be a laugh to stop the pretence and just smash the shit out of everything that moved, so I told him hed be sorry. I smashed his guitar to bits and threw it to the crowd. Pete Townshend came up and said, That was fucking great! The original trasher giving us comps!”

The rampage also includes a TV show in Hamburg where the band absconds to the car park and decimates a movie prop car. Johnson takes an iron bar to its lights and wing mirrors while OToole rearranges the body work with a railway sleeper. Partners in crime, yet the friction between singer and bassist is proving critical.

On the 87 European tour, Johnson and Kuhle travel apart from the rest of the band, while Paul Rutherford is caught between two warring factions.

It doesnt help that Liverpools singles, “Rage Hard” and “Warriors (Of The Wasteland)”, are comparative flops, while the album, produced by Steve Lipson and executive-produced by Horn, costs a staggering £500,000. It stalls at No 5 on release in November 86 and makes no impression in the US. ZTTs accountants are getting uneasy, while Morley moves up and away.

One night in Rotterdam I go for an Indonesian meal with all the Frankies. The evening is a disaster. An embarrassing food fight degenerates into a slanging match. And worse. OToole and Johnson go for the jugular. Boots go up arses. OToole is shaking with rage. Johnson is simply shaken.

An almost psychotic performance at Wembley Arena is followed by another row. The band cant be bothered to don costume wigs, nor flash their bare arses at the audience, as had been the norm in happier times.

The Frankie phenomenon fizzles out on stage at Rotterdams Ahoy! in spring 87. On March 21 they assemble for the very last time on Channel 4s Saturday Live. The following week ZTT announce the band have split up. There follows a blizzard of lawsuits, culminating in Johnson successfully claiming restraint of trade against ZTT. Disputed royalties trickle back, while ZTT will subsequently put out three compilations of hits and mixes, including Hard On!, which the band collectively hate.

What began with a “Bang” ends with a whimper. The last great British pop group are finished. Frankie say no more.

The Frankie Goes To Hollywood episode of Bands Reunited will be shown on June 23 at 9pm on VH1.

FRIENDS DISUNITED

What Frankie did next

HOLLY JOHNSON (VOICE)

The busiest Frankie of all, Holly had hits with “Love Train” and solo debut album Blast!, which hit No 1 in 1989.ln 1993 he announced he was HIV positive and wrote his autobiography, A Bone In My Flute. In 1999 he released Soulstream on his own Pleasuredome label. He now lives in Fulham with Wolfgang Kuhle, and paints landscapes and portraits in oils, some exhibited at the Royal Academy and throughout Europe. He has worked with Ryuichi Sakamoto and installed a home studio. Not too sure about any FGTH reunion (see interview on p84, and also see www.hollyjohnson.com).

PAUL RUTHERFORD (DANCE)

Went into hibernation/clubbing mode before releasing acid house tracks “Get Real” and “Oh World” in the late 80s, then fronted a project called Cowboys and Pressure Zone. Lives in New Zealand with partner Perry, working as a deer farmer (not).Ambivalent about any FGTH reunion, but game if the others are.

MARK OTOOLE (BASS)

Stuck with the Lads before moving to Los Angeles, back to Liverpool, then Florida where, according to Johnson, “He lives in a retirement home.” Now works with his live band, Trapped By Mormons, and looks forward to royalty cheques. Big Zoolander fan. “Am I a millionaire?” he says. “Never even close. Wish you could hear me laughing.” Married with a kid, so “wouldnt be averse to a reunion. The publishing might dry up.” Doesnt miss England, but does miss Liverpool FC.

BRIAN “NASHER” NASH (GUITAR)

Formed the Shuffle Brothers, then Low, then Dr Jollys Salvation Circus. After that he started his own label, Babylon Pink, who released his solo albums Ripe and, in 2003, Le Grand Fromage. He runs his own recording studio in north London. Married with kids. Still hankers after a bit of Frankie action. “Ill get some cakes if we do,” he says. Still sends the others Christmas cards. Still “a Red Muso”.

PETER “PED” GILL (DRUMS)

Was involved in the group Lovestation (a pop-dance act who had a Top 20 hit in 1998 with “Teardrops”) as drum programmer and mixer. He is now a website designer who claims to “fucking hate computers.” Married with kids in north London. Would like FGTH to reform “if I can find me drums”, and has been to see Johnson with Nasher.

“IM STILL THE WHIPPING BOY”

Holly Johnson on that mooted FGTH reunion

JOHNSON: In my naïveté I agreed to take part in the VH1 Bands Reunited debacle. Im not interested in nostalgia but I went along for old times sake, the old reunion big-up. When I first became aware of the programme I escaped to Liverpool because I didnt want to be pressurised. Anyway, I came along and met Mark and Paul in a hotel and we had a drink and they said they were working on Ped to do it. Nasher was like me, he didnt want much to do with it, really.

There was a basic predicament. I did feel pressurised. I hadnt even seen Mark for 17 years. The last time I saw him was at the end of the European tour in some shitty French town and I hadnt spoken to any of them for three months then. The stories of me and Mark are well documented. I had to have personal security, a bodyguard to protect me from my own band. I was travelling in separate cars and planes while they were on the bus. The rot set in ages before when they insisted that Tony Pope manage us. I didnt think that hiring a former Island Records driver to manage the biggest band of the 80s was a great idea. But I stupidly went along with that. The whole thing was a disaster. It totally soured our relationships.

I have spoken to the others on and off since the heyday. I used to bump into Paul at gigs. He was living in a basement flat on Uxbridge Road and now hes bored shitless in some suburban town in New Zealand. I could see why they might want to reform. Mark lives in a retirement home in Florida. Nashers got three kids. Peds got kids. He even sold his drum kit eight years ago. And I earn the most royalties because I wrote the lyrics and most of the melodies.

So the upshot is, were all standing around in this rehearsal studio, the Depot, in north London, and they want us to play! I mean, it takes four weeks to rehearse a group, even when youre shit hot and theyre wanting us to come up with some hit on the spot! No way, especially when youre sharing yourself with a 100-strong crew and a TV reality show. Theres me on camera saying the moment is over. I dont want a musical reunion because its like reheating a cup of old coffee.

But I suppose I weakened when Ped called and said hed found the old click tracks and sequencer tapes. Well, lets leave aside the historical fabulousness. I could only do it if it was done properly, not just for some shitty reality TV show. In the end we do the meet up bit and Ped, Paul and Mark have got instruments as if were wanting to perform.

(cont.)
Then everyone gets dejected because Holly and Brian wont do it. The TV people are saying, “Well, everyone else is up for it apart from Holly.” So again Im painted as the villain of the piece. Its hysterical. Its exactly the same as it was 20 years ago. Im still the whipping boy.