ZANG TUMMM TUMB ARTICLES “the first draft of history”

One to 1

WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND? WRITE TO ONE TO 1, ROOM 304, COMMONWEALTH HOUSE, 1–19 NEW OXFORD STREET, LONDON WC1A 1NG. THE WRITER OF THE BEST LETTER WINS A £5 RECORD TOKEN.

I thought I’d send this photo in for a laugh. When asked for his reaction to winning the No.1 readers’ Wally Of The Year award, George reacted accordingly! Appropriate?

Tracey Hinds, London.

Bored after the excitement of Xmas. I decided to think of what pop stars would be if he/she/it wasn’t human. Here’s what I came up with.

Roger Taylor — A bear cub. They’re so cute and cuddly.

Simon Le Bon — My mum’s custard. So smooth and delicious.

Boy George/George Michael — Stinging nettles — good for nothing and a pain in the ass (if you sit on them).

Lionel Richie — Ferrero Rochet chocolates. They’re so sickly.

Nik Kershaw — Noddy. A favourite with all the kiddies.

Andy Ridgeley — The man in the moon. He might as well be there ‘cos he’s doing nothing here.

Michael Jackson — A glacé cherry. I never have like glacé cherries.

Paul Young — My hot water bottle. I’m not going to discuss this one.

Spandau Ballet — A Chinese meal. Looks very nice but makes me ill.

The Almighty Midget From Mars and Simon Le Bon’s Mint Lip Seal, Romford.

And Marc Almond could be a mole blinking in the sunlight. Princea melted Minstrel and Howard Jones a skunk.

I was very excited to receive an invitation to the Animal Farm Ball at Cardiff’s Patagonia Club because the Frank Chickens were playing. I’ve wanted to catch their live act for ages, especially as Frankie keep raving on about them, but I was pretty disappointed in them.

The support band Field Marshall Slug completely blew them offstage. They were a complete mega-wow!

Anna-Ky, A Converted Slug.

PS. How do I get hold of the leggy, luscious guitarist’s phone number?

Field Marshall Slug, eh? Get down to Cardiff, Simper — we could be onto something here.

When was the last time you had anything on The Cars in No.1? You might think we all adore those things they call George Michael and Simon Le Bon and that we love seeing Frankie slung all over the page, but we don’t!

I suppose a decent centre page picture of The Cars would be too much to ask…

Jacki of Heartbeat City.

If we could find a decent picture of The Cars we’d gladly sling it in the centre. (Answer courtesy of the No.1 We’ll Say Anything To Keep Readers Happy Dept.)

Nowadays, to be trendy you have to look untrendy. Therefore untrendy people who try not to be trendy look extremely trendy and trendy people who try to dress untrendy are being naturally trendy. Unless of course you’re naturally untrendy so to prove you’re not trendy you try to dress trendily, but in that case you will be called trendy anyway.

A Trendy called Alcock.

“Does this mean green wellies are in?” — Martin Townsend.

I feel I must write to you about the behaviour of some pop stars in public.

Like when FGTH went to a party and girls complained that they were having their bums pinched by the group. Then they start fighting and Mark gets his nose broken.

And when Queen held a party in Rio, Freddie Mercury and Rod Stewart won’t meet. Fred goes up on a balcony and Rod hides in a corner and when asked to go up the stairs to meet Fred he says he doesn’t think he can make it.

Honestly! My nephew who’s only two can act better. Why don’t the stars grow up and start acting their ages?

Freddie’s Cat. Fflint, N. Wales.

But they are acting their age… they’re just going a little senile.

Dear Mark O’Toole,

Having just seen Frankie on Entertainment USA and The Other Side Of The Tracks. I’ve come to the conclusion that leggy Scouse bassists should definitely not be heard.

Anyone who giggles hysterically and froths at the mouth when uttering a vague insult or the word ‘shit’ comes over as a prize wally.

So please continue to look pretty, and play as well as you do, but until a few more brain cells materialise to go with the one you’ve got, shut up!

Johnny Blade’s Sharpest Edge, Seaford, Sussex.

Mark’s brain cell maybe an only child, but it’s well cared for and leads a happy and fulfilling life.

I am writi complain about groups who use God’s name and religion to get a petty song into the pop charts.

If songs like ‘Relax’ can be banned because of their sexual implications, then why are songs which ridicule God played all the time? Bronski Beat dare to bring out a song which says that things in the bible ‘Ain’t Necessarily So’, Depeche Mode say that God has a “sick sense of humour” and even Wham have to, use God’s name in their song ‘Everything She Wants’.

I don’t want to sound like a ‘typical Christian’, and I do like today’s chart music, but I draw the line at songs which are offensive to me and others in the way groups openly blaspheme.

Miss N. Dexter, Tooting, London.

This week’s random reader’s chart and winner of a £5 record token.

  1. BIG COUNTRY Just A Shadow
  2. THIS ISLAND EARTH See That Glow
  3. PRINCE 1999
  4. KING Love And Pride
  5. BRYAN ADAMS Run To You
S. Bailey, Bradford-on-Avon. Wilts. This week’s Readers Chart coupon is on page 32.