ZANG TUMMM TUMB ARTICLES “the first draft of history”

THE BIG BANG!

Pssst. Hey, you. Wanna become a hundred per cent real person? NO, this aint no jibe. Peter Shaw and Louise Cook welcome you to the Pleasuredome to talk it over…

Welcome to the Pleasuregame, says Ocean, and youre welcome to try it, says us. Frankie may go to Hollywood, but here in Mundanesville life aint so easy for the likes of Lenny Lowscore.

Picture downtown Liverpoole, a downmarket version of Brookside Close, those typical Beatlesque back-to-backs—this is your lot in life, being a zilcho percent person. Wouldnt you find the Pleasuredome an irresistible temptation? So along comes Flash Frank, passing the pleasure pills and taunting you to trade in your UB40 for a life of leisure. And what do you have to do? Frank would pass your task off as simple, but where do you start, Lenny Lowscore?

Having been trained in the Merseyside Mothers + Toddlers Muggers Association, youre already clued up on the finer points of breaking and entering

Once inside the terraced treasure-trove, theres lotsa goodies for the taking—including those pleasure pills Frankie promised. Although most of the doors are already open, Tricia Tenant has left some handy keys around for those that arent. Check out the kitchen, and amongst the clutter youll see such delights as milk, fish and floppy disks. Not too exciting—but hang on to them, Frankie works in mysterious ways.

Youve got a long journey ahead of you—dont overdose on the Pleasure pills, once your supply has run out youll be lucky to find a pusher in Mundanesville. Relax Lenny Lowscore—those politically-hyped-arcade-games arent just a fantasy of the pill popping antics—youve got to do well to prove yourself as a real person.

Once youre street wise enough, Frankie presents you with a game of psuedo-Cluedo. Miss Mundane lies dead in the sitting room, killed by an unknown object by an unknown person—solve that one Lenny, youll need to to become a real person—remember!

Lust + Fear + Love + Faith × Frankie = a tough task for Lenny. Dont relax—go to it!

The path to the Pleasuredome is perilous, so persevere. Our plan follows a typical game of Frankie. Just by looking at the background colours on the screens you can tell which of the pleasure measures will be affected by your actions. As soon as each of the four pleasure powers is filled to the brim, youre on your way to the big BANG!—at the top of each bar chart. As you can see we couldnt manage it—but then you probably know that were not real people!

THE STREET

Welcome to Coronation Street land.

(cont.)
There are four identical streets in Frankie—only the colours of the doors change. Pink means the house has a back door and red tells you the second door in the kitchen leads to an arcade game.

Follow the yellow brick road—to the pink door. Behind here youll find an open back door thatll transport you onto another street. And if you want to watch telly, look out for the aerials.

Back to troots in Mundanesville, eh lad! Youre going to find life aint a bed of roses. When you start on your search, its an idea to set off slowly, and systematically check everything.

+ THE SITTING ROOM

This aint no Habitat heaven—more a Shabitat let-down. But youre going to have to check out every drawer, retirement clock and video recorder in your pursuit of Pleasure pills…

To open these drawers, youll need to adopt the typical Merseyside strut—with arm outstretched. Its what your right arms for! Sometimes youll find, though, that it just isnt enough—and then youll really have to stre-e-e-tch for the high spots.

As things start to come right for you, Frankie rewards you with pleasure power on this bar graph. When all four peak, the equation: Lust + Fear + Love + Faith x Frankie is complete. BANG!

+ THE SHOOTING GALLERY

As you get better, the game gets harder—typical that! The number of hits you have to make increases rapidly—you start off needing only 21 in 200 but it can rocket to 25 or more.

Its Maggie—just one of the host of targets you have to shoot at—popping up at random on the firing range. Your best bet is to position yourself in the middle of the screen.

Your gun sight automatically returns to this point when youre not pushing it elsewhere. After youve shot a bullet, its a good idea to let the sight fall back here for re-loading. Its trickier than you think trying to take aim yourself.

+ WAR—GO FOR IT…

Every second or so, one of these windows pops up and fires out a pleasure symbol. All you have to do is shoot it as it flies past—and the pleasure is all yours.

As soon as youve popped a pleasure symbol another window will appear—just walk right into the next bit of arcade action.

If you miss a symbol and it hits you instead then you risk being put straight back onto the streets. And watch out if youre caught behind a window—you can get zapped without even realising it.

+ THE KITCHEN

Leave here and youll be back in back-to-back land on another Coronation Street look-alike. But remember—theres a whole new set of objects to add to your collection there.

PLEASURE PILL! PLEASURE PILL! Wow, man, can hardly wait to get hold of the promised power-pushin, score-liftin, real-man-makin antidotes to Mundanesville. Reeeeeelaxxx!

Heres everything plus the kitchen sink—but theres not much in the way of kitchen sink drama. Youll find the objects youre after in the drawers, fridge and on the worktops. The hot programs are keeping cool in the fridge—take them to the computer room to use them.

+ THE COMPUTER ROOM

If you want to get passed, get a pass! Youll need security clearance to make your way round the computer, so remember to pick up a pass at the main gate.

Put your floppy disks into the computer but mind out—they have a nasty habit of being corrupted. Sounds remarkably like Microdrives!

For the power-crazy, this ornamental gateway leads you to the Corridors of Power. But this is no flak free zone—so, remember to take your flak jacket with you.

+ PUSSY GALORE

To enter the arcade, just walk into the window. Its a whole new world in there. Playschool eat your heart out!

The Power of Love.

(cont.)
Too much attention to love makes the heart grow fonder but it aint going to make you a real person—keep your eye on these so you can pop a pill if things get low.

Fill the cats bowl with milk from the bottle and youll probably run into the moggy as he comes for a quick slurp. As a reward, pussy will give you an arcade to play.

+ THE SEA OF HOLES

Worrisit then? Is it a skateboard? Is it a hula-hoop? No, its the lust symbol on its edge—and its just waiting to swallow you up.

Youll only have to take your chances on this game the once to earn your pleasure power, so steer well clear of it. Why? Cos itll bore you all the way back to Mundanesville, thats why!

Here you have to make it to the purple line. Trouble is, its all down to chance and where youre thrown out of the hole.

+ MURDER, MYSTERY AND SUSPENSE

Give us a Cluedo—this has all the cloak n dagger elements of the full blown Basil Rathbone (no, not Baron Rathbone—BASIL! He made films stupido!)

Youll turn up clues to the whodunnit as you wander around the other rooms. Its elementary my dear Frankie.

Youve got no chance of answering the quiz until youve uncovered all the clues. So, if you wander back to this room and youre asked whodunnit, dont fret that youve missed a clue—Frankie says relax.

+ BATTLE OVER MERSEYSIDE

This boxed-off bit lets you know how many bases you have left. If youre baseless then wave goodbye to the game.

The planes arent the problem—the bombs are. If you want to keep your bases then youre going to have to shoot down the bombs before they blow.

It may seem a trifle laid-back but our top tactic for this game is to sit in the middle and keep your finger on the fire button. As soon as you start jigging around, youll start to miss everything.

+ THE ZTT ROOM

The aim of the game is to build the ZTT logo but to do it, youll have to press the buttons in the right order. A handy hint is to start in the top left hand corner and finish where the finger is now.As soon as youve broken down the barrier at the beginning, this stairway springs into action.

Start by shooting down an armed barrier. The slow but safe method is to hotfoot it in, fire one shot and then hightail it out again. Trouble is youll be collecting your pension before youre finished.

+ CLUEDO

Even defective detectives have a good chance here. Once youve found the body, the clues appear as if by magic. Being a gumshoe was never this cushy in the pictures.

So, Miss Bland has a son in the RAF, huh? Well, if Frankie says the killer has no children then shes in the clear. Otherwise bear her in mind for the court case.

Its all a case of logical deduction. Write down the clues and cross off the suspects as you go. When youre left with just one name uncleared, set off for the sitting room and accuse your suspect.

+ WAR OF WORDS

Its the boy-wonder of the B-movie, Ronnie Raygun. You take his part here on the left, while the Russkies are on the right. Sounds like someones got the politics slightly skew-whiff!

The Russians are coming—make sure you get em before they get you. Sacrifice one of your barriers and when the Moscow muppet is firing you only need to go up one step to shoot.

Your missiles make it through your layer of defences but break up the computers. If youve got a partly destroyed defence barrier on your side, itll build back to full strength if you fire at it.

+ THE CORRIDORS OF POWER

Hey, this is really way out, man. Actually, its the way out—your escape route. From here its back onto the streets or into another arcade game. But dont look for a plan—its all random.

Jumpin Jehosophat!

(cont.)
Watch out for Frankies great balls of fire while youre on your travels. Zap em and new doors shall be opened unto you!

As you make your mark in Mundanesville, youre gonna start clocking the wicker work gates. So, what are they for? Well, cmon in… youll find yourself in surroundings not unlike these.

= CASE SOLVED

So, Sherlock, youve solved the case—but dont come over all smug cos theres still some way to go before you become a real person and take a trip to that Pleasuredome.

If you cant crack the case then tough!—no way will Frankie let you carry on your quest for ultimate pleasure.

This time youve cracked the case, but itll be a completely different story next game. And remember to make notes while playing the whodunnit or youll have no chance of solving the mystery.