ZANG TUMMM TUMB ARTICLES “the first draft of history”


To British Frankie fans,

After spending the last several hours ten feet from your “lads” in Minneapolis, were beginning to question whether your “boys” should “plan” to go anywhere.

We spent that time being told to ‘Relax by a vampire-clad, pallour-faced, Michael Jackson glove-look Holly.

Relax? Hardly, when Mr “Look-what-I-can-take-off-next” Rutherford showered us with beer.

If you Brits have anyone to send to Hollywood, spare us this poor excuse for a pop band.

Prince Stays In Minneapolis.

Willingly — we want them over here!

Have you noticed that whereas Simon Le Bon and George Michael have both decided to grow their hair, Boy George has had his almost completely shaved off? Is there some deep psychological meaning Ive missed?

Love, MC 4773.

There are indeed several explanations for this amazing piece of paranormal coincidence. The one involving Freud, Samson and big girls blouses escaped us at present. The other is that Simon and George are too stingy to pay Sid the Barbers very competitive prices while BGs tuppenny all-off is a penance for releasing ‘The Medal Song.

Dear Anybody,

I think Sylvester Stallone is GORGEOUS.

Someone Who Went To See Nik Kershaw At The Manchester Apollo An It Was Brill, Hyde, Cheshire.

Stop sending in these foolish letters, Simper.

Dont you think Wham have got a nerve? After turning their record over they then decide to give away a free poster calendar with it. Havent they got a thought for those who got them to No.2 in the charts? They just dont care, do they?

Also I read in some mag or other that George is saying his mum and dad gave him the ring he wears, and that he put it on his wedding ring finger ‘cos he could only get it on that one! Its your choice if you believe him or not!

An Angry Wham Fan, Hanging Houton, Northampton.

“I believe him” — Mrs George Michael.

I am a big Mark OToole fan. So I was disgusted about the incident when Mark got headbutted aboard the Tuxedo Princess.

I come from Tyneside and was pleased to have Frankie in the North East. I expect Mark would have been carrying on pinching girls bottoms. I hope Marks nose is OK and not broken.

Please, no hard feelings to Tyneside, this should not stop them returning.

Frankie fan.

Pinching girls bottoms? That doesnt sound like Mark at all. Awa the lads…

“Wayo Tez, isnt that McArdles mob comin this way with sawnoffs?” “Go ed la. dont be a plank, its Lucy Collins and ‘er posh Frog pals.”

Dear Jennifer in Milton Keynes,

The producers had nothing to do with the departure of Paul Usher (Barry Grant) from Brookside. The actor himself decided to leave the programme.

Does she think the programme is real life? Well, it isnt, its just a portrayal of life. The people who live in Brookside Close are actors playing their parts although the houses are real enough. By the way, is Lucy Collins returning?

Marie Jacksons Secret Lover, Brentwood. Essex.

Ask Marie yourself, shes not renowned for minding her own allotment. As for you two carrying on, as soon as poor Georges back is turned, just you wait ‘til he gets out (if he ever does), youll be sorry. — A close friend of Tommy McArdles mother.

In reference to a recent letter I concerning Andrew Ridgeleys nickname for his friend George Michael. You stated the name ‘Yog was taken from Andys pet hamster but I had read previously that Georges Greek name was ‘Yogeros, so surely this is how the name was derived.

A hamsters life span is considerably shorter than a humans so I would have thought Andrews little pet was named after his friend and not the other way around.

A Reader, Newcastle-upon-Tyne.

You seem to be slightly confused. In Greece where favourable weather conditions prevail hamsters live to a ripe old age.

Alright you wallies! If you had any sense youd know that pet hamsters do not hibernate. Dont say that Yog would get upset and come out of hibernation ‘cos he wouldnt. Tame hamsters that hibernate neverwake up again ‘cos they kick the bucket if they even try. See!

A Hamster Lover, Cleveland.

Wrong, madam, wrong. The Greek hamster is a dab hand at hibernating and likes nothing more than a lengthy snooze when winter draws on and shadows lengthen in the Aegean.

JUST who is this Debbi Voller? In one issue she was being spanked by Simon Le Bon in Whispers, and then on the letters page we saw her being embraced by the Mighty Fish. Whats going on?

James Bellman, Whitchurch.

Well, Debbi in both cases was using her famous Ill Bring You The Exclusive routine. Very effective we believe it is.

I recently had the pleasure of seeing Spandau Ballet in concert and have come to this conclusion. They are the most gorgeous, stylish, talented, brilliant and amazing group in the entire universe, unlike those Martians, Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

Spandaus Loudest Screaming Fan.

P.S. Cheers Martin, the money came in really handy.

You mean you got paid for writing this? You dont by any chance work for that fine fortnightly magazine Pig Fanciers Fortnightly Journal?

Dont just bottle it up! If youve got a message for your loathed one, stick it on a piece of paper and send it to Poison Arrow, No.1, Room 304, Commonwealth House, 1–19 New Oxford Street, London WC1A 1NG.

Midge Ure tells Monsieur Renaldo, coiffeur to ze gentry. to “make me look like a new man Jimmy…”

Midge Ure, Im mad at you! You look ugly, disgusting and awful. Why? Because of your long hair. Spew. Whats so great about that hippie look?

Get a haircut, Mr Ure. If you dont show up with short hair in your next video you will lose one of your fans. FOREVER.

Minnie Mouse, Norway.

This weeks random readers chart and winner of £5 record token.

  2. WILD BOYS Duran Duran
  4. GHOSTBUSTERS Ray Parker Jr
  5. SHOUT Tears For Fears

Amanda Turkington, Timperley, Cheshire.

This weeks coupon is on page 43

I love No.1 but I really miss something, youve never heard of Talk Talk.

Im crazy about them, Im glad they exist. Mark Hollis — what a voice. It pierces you to the very marrow. Hey you, there in England, open your ears and listen to their music. I cant understand why theyre not popular in their own country.

Simone Matthijs, Holland.

Thats funny, neither can they.

Dear Twerpy Townsend,

VHow dare you say that Nik Kershaw is not a slick showman! Id like to see you singing and dancing and playing three instruments for 1½ hours every night for thirty nights and still be absolutely slickall the time! I bet you wouldnt manage it, but Nik did!

So take my advice, you wimp! Buy a zip, attach it to your mouth and keep it firmly shut in future.

A Very Angry Riddler, Edinburgh.

Great Idea! Do it, Martin — The Entire No.1 Staff.

I would like to inform readers of No.1 and the ignorant one from Italy that Depeche Mode are not gay. They all have girlfriends or wives, especially “that bloke in the dress”, and are very civilised.

I cannot explain what Yvonne saw on an Italian TV programme but it was probably just excitement generated by their energetic music.

N. Shaw (A Dedicated Depeche Mode Fan).

Probably. Italians do tend to get pretty highly strung when they see a bloke in a dress. “Encore”, they chant, and “Izzeegay! Izzeegay!”

Could you tell me if Jools Holland has more than one suit. Every time you see him on The Tube he always has the same suit on with a black shirt underneath. Tell a lie, Ive seen a grey suit anda browny coloured suit. Theyre both the same style.

Jon Moss Pearl Earring, Worley, West Midlands.

No, you were right first time. The brown suits the same as the grey one. Hes just too lazy to go to the dry cleaners.

Jools Holland models the off-white suit that has made him the talk of the Jesmond Mens Darts And Ferrets Up The Trouser Leg Club.